DaddyFactory

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.
– Frederick Douglass

Losing teeth. It’s traumatic for them, cool for us, then cool for them, then just a revenue stream for enterprising younguns.

I’ve written about it before, but back then (although it was traumatic) I was truly wowed by the process and excited because it meant my little guy was growing up a little bit.

Now my little girl has her first loose tooth and my feelings have totally changed. What was once a mark of progress is now a symbol of the irrevocable — the years we won’t get back and the baby who is now a girl. When the oldest hits these milestones, there is a sense of awe and wonder and (at least as long as there are younger kids around) a longing for the next big event. But when the youngest takes those steps and moves into the future, the past seems all the more precious.

Kids change our relationship to time: we want it to speed up so we can witness the next big evolution (and get some sleep) and we want it to stop so we can embrace the moment of their tininess and fragility and dependency one more time.

And all that struck me, just because she said “Daddy, feel my tooth wiggle,” and I did.

Sometimes you just curl up and go to sleep. And sometimes you get the third degree. Tonight, I was asked the following before shutting down the operation and demanding silence:

Dad? Why do I fart?

What makes the fart come out?

Are there hands in my butt that push my poop out, or is it muscles?

Why do they call it a play date? I’m not dating teenagers, I’m just playing. Maybe if I ate a date, then I would get toys to play with.

If I ate a lot of dates, could I go to Target?

If we went to Target, would you spend $20 on a special Pokemon pack?

No? Would you spend $16?

How about $10? Would you spend $10???

Because he didn’t catch his business in his jammy zipper when he was getting ready for bed, which is more than I can say for my poor little boy.

There’s nothing else to write about this, is there? Business. Zipper. You get it.

NOTE TO SELF: What’s worse? Getting your berries snagged in the metal teeth of your favorite fleece union suit, or having your dad blog about it?

No, not for making more kids. For making pancakes.

When Sam was little I used to craft Thomas the Tank Engine flapjacks in the pan. These days, Pokemon continues to rule, even for Sylvie, who carries a Pikachu doll with her at all times.

Make the batter thin, so you can draw outlines, then fill it in. But be quick! Slow drawing makes for pictures that look like they’re made of noodles. Finicky pancake eaters are merciless critics.

By the way: I don’t recommend seeking out “turkey baster” on google image search unless “safesearch” is on or you’re just looking to nuke your appetite because you can’t resist your own pancakes. Turkey baster + internet = too much information.

BOY: Dad, why do superheroes have to have theme songs?

ME: Um… to get ready for action?

Surely some of you can do better?

Another entry in the growing list of quick & simple ways to focus your papa power.

Sick of board games? Desperately keeping the video monster at bay? Sometimes the answer is as simple as a tongue-twister. Begin with a classic:

PETER PIPER

Observe how — when a Rubber Baby is applied — the activity disintegrates into greater hysteria…

RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPKINS

In the end, nothing makes sense (except how good it feels to laugh)…

SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS

[NOTE: One day, when my kids are adolescents and they're screaming at me from behind a slammed bedroom door about the ways in which I've wronged and betrayed them, I'll replay these audio files and revel in the purity of their giggles.]

If the food’s gotta be white, it might as well be creative.

Not seen here: a cup of cranberry juice. This was an actual request from the 7-year-old in question and represents an astonishingly bold and uncommon splash of color and flavor in an otherwise homologous diet.

I suppose that’s why our plates are so colorful, too…

We were all together.

Mornings are easier when you awaken prepared for chaos. Breathe. Go with it. Embrace it.

Ahhhh, that’s better. Now just wait a second. That’s not chaos — it’s a tea party. Drink up, everybody!